I'm only sixteen, I'll be seventeen in about three months. I'm a junior in high school. I'm not a straight-A student and I haven't gone a full week of school since the beginning of the year simply because I don't want to go. I don't want to go to school because I don't want to be judged. I don't want drama, I don't want to be teased about something that started in fourth grade and ended in fifth, and I don't want to get attached to people simply to lose them in one way or another. Nobody approves of it, not that I could blame them. I want to go to college and skipping every other day certainly isn't helping me toward that goal. Nobody seems to understand, though, that as soon as I get through this year, I'm transferring to online high school. Therefore, I could stay for an extra year to make up credits without worrying about being laughed at for my supposed stupidity.
I don't want to be a delinquent. I want to learn, without the annoyance of people. I don't want to be bothered by teachers or my peers. I don't want to have to wake up at six in the morning every day to go to school. Maybe it's selfish of me to think in such a manner when people go through school and get their diplomas every year with much more stress than I have on my shoulders, but I don't care. I want to be selfish for a little bit, and I want a choice for once. I may be a spoiled only child, but seldom will I make the selfish choice unless it's a truly insignificant thing that is asked of me.
I have this awful feeling that one of my best friends has a crush on me. I love her and everything, but only in a platonic way. I could never see myself with her. I'm bisexual, so it isn't because I don't like women. I just can't see this person from a romantic view at all. Even if I did, she's about twice my size and I weigh 210 lbs. I could never do anything romantic or sexual with her anyways- the thought just grosses me out.
On top of that, I know a special ed. kid likes me, and I'm not sure how to take it. I think he's nice and everything, and he's really smart and clear-headed. I don't even know what mental disability he has, it shows so little. He has a lot of personality and he's really thoughtful; he bought me a set of amazing-quality colored pencils. I don't know how much they cost, and I feel a little bad for accepting them, but what could I really do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. He even wrote that it was from him on the inside of the cover.
The reason I feel awful for not wanting to actually date this kid is because I'm already in love with a guy in North Carolina. It happened entirely on accident and it started out as just a whirlwind romance between two love-starved teenagers, but it turned into something more. We 'dated', using the word loosely, from sometime during late summer this year to November 20th, 2011. I've known him and liked him for a year before we admitted our feelings to one another, but I couldn't say right now what his feelings are for me.
I know I love him and I miss him a lot sometimes. The him that wanted to hold me and kiss me, not the him who's reserved with what he says. I want him to be completely open with me and I want to talk to him as if we're lovers again. I know I'm young and I know I'm naive for wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I could picture myself marrying that boy. I've never had that moment when I actually considered having children in my future except when I thought about them being his. Maybe I am jumping ahead of myself, but I'm a girl- don't all lovestruck girls think of a domestic future with the man they love at some point?
Sunday night we officially 'broke up' and decided to be friends until the winds of fate carried us to one another, if they ever would. There was sense in what he said- it was practical. How likely was it that we'd ever meet when we were half a country away from one another? I can't drive yet and won't be able to for a couple of years, and he has an overbearing family that frowns upon internet relationships and would stop paying for his college if they found out he was involved in one. So, the relationship was dropped out of practicality and I'm not all that upset about it, really. It doesn't change my feelings for him. I trust fate to lead me to him, or him to me if our paths were truly destined to cross. I guess I have to be patient.
I recently helped my two friends out- they love each other, but they're an ocean apart. They were in a long-distance relationship for a year and met once, and then became miserable after they found out how nice a real hug felt. Then they had two nasty break-ups, but they were still so deeply in love. Even after all the pain they'd both been through, they loved each other. If they aren't soul mates, I don't know what couple is. I helped these guys talk it out, and they're gonna give a relationship one more try. I hope, with all my heart, that it works out. I know how happy they make one another. I know that with a little more patience and determination, they could be well on their way to their white picket fence.
I envy them, really. They know how they both feel, they know how the other person feels. They've been through a lot, and they've had a lot of happy times. Sure, they've had their bad moments, but every relationship does, right? Life has its ups and downs. I just wish I could have a chance at what they've got.
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